Laughing at our shibboleths

So Louis C K is apparently in some hot water. In the truest tradition of the provocateur comics I neither expect and fervently hope to not receive an apology from him. He goes on SNL for the finale of the fortieth season and promptly rolls out jokes about racism, bad parenting, Israel and Palestine, and of course pedophilia (because who wouldn't). Now the Internet outrage squad is ready to kill him as the twitter verse has erupted in disheartened head shaking at the appalling lack of taste.

The only problem is the bit was really, really funny.

I remember being a kid a watching Richard Pryor joke about the nurses scaling the burned tissue off of his raw body after he had set himself on fire while freebasing cocaine. I remember him telling jokes about freebasing cocaine, and addicts passing out on the street high on heroine. I remember Whoopie Goldberg telling jokes about drug usage and Ronald Reagan having a homosexual fling with Rock Hudson (apparently Nancy had a fling with Rock as well). I can recall Carlin, well, telling a whole shitload of George Carlin jokes (do I need to list them?) although the equating of Desert Storm to little boys playing with toys in the sand does stand out. And it goes without mentioning the antics of Dangerfield, Hicks and Kennison were all way, way over the line.

Of course as time has gone some of these bits have gotten dated and upon the later watchings do perhaps get a little staid, but the thing that made them so funny at the time was that they were so shocking. It was guys and girls joking about things we didn't talk about in "polite company" and it was great!

Today we have guys like Conolly (the murder of the Baby Jesus is the core of the Christian Faith), Chris Rock (we've all seen THE bit) and Louis who remind us that sometimes we just have to laugh at the stuff that isn't funny. Because it's cathartic and it reminds us that life can be pretty awful and yet still funny.

And I think that is amazing.

Josh Hamilton

Here's the thing. I know exactly what it means to try and escape addiction. I understand that relapses happen and that sometimes people make decisions and then find themselves saying, "I really can't believe I did that." I get it. I get all of that.

And on that level I am deeply and personally sorry for Josh Hamilton.

But that doesn't change the fact that he's kind of a sorry guy.

This has nothing to do with baseball allegiances it has to do with his behavior. Josh Hamilton was the number one overall pick of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays about ten years ago and he put that draft pick and all of his talent into a crack pipe.

That's sad and I feel sorry for him.

Then he came back. He told everyone that he was clean. He told everyone that he had given his life to Jesus. He sold books and made commercials about how he had changed his life and invited the whole world into his rehab.

Then he relapsed and hid it until deadspin got the photos and then he fessed up.

You see you don't get to publicize and monetize your recovery and then hide your relapse because your recovery is no longer private as soon as you start selling books and bracelets and billboards about it. So to conceal it, while not an outright lie, is a partial truth.

And anyone who has ever been through rehab will tell you a half truth is a whole lie. Addicts don't get to tell half truths.

So he cleans up again and the world goes on and the Rangers go to back-to-back World Series during which time Hamilton makes a big deal about not celebrating with his teammates because he doesn't want to be around the champagne.

Then it comes out he's at the bar drinking and his teammate Ian Kinsler has to go get him and take him home.

Now here's the thing about his, "I slipped one time."

I think that's a lie.

I am not ashamed to say this for two reasons.

1. I am addict and when an addict falls off the wagon they do it private. It takes a while of doing it in private before they say "Aww #@&% it, I'm going to the bar I don't care who sees me." Don't believe me? Ever tried to lose weight and ate a cheeseburger? You snuck it didn't you. Ever tried to quit smoking? The first one back you had on the sly. I think Hamilton's been drinking for a while and he finally reached the "don't care" stage and got caught.

2. We already know Josh Hamilton is more than willing to lie about a relapse. How do we know? Because he lied about one three years ago.

So I am sorry for the man. I am sorry because I know what it means to be got and not know how to escape, but this is not a guy that deserves to be defended. He has a long established pattern of this sort of behavior. I hope he stays clean. I hope he never "slips" again, but I will cut no slack to anyone who defends him because that is willful ignoring of what is plainly right in front of your face.

Funny Story

So ESPN.com has members section where you can post your thoughts about stories. As anyone who has read my other posts knows, I think that Joe Paterno's criminality has been washed away by his death is disgusting. So I went onto the ESPN.com website and said this,

At best he was a doddering old man who allowed children to be abused because he was so befuddled with age he didn't know how to stop it.

At worst he hushed it up to prevent his recruiting from being hurt so he could continue to field a football team.

And for this comment...

I received a 24hour ban from ESPN.com.

Now really I don't care; it's their website they can do whatever they want with it. I just find it interesting that a news agency would ban people who speak out against the acceptable dialogue of the day. The story about "JoePa" went from being, "This guy should probably be in jail," to "This guy walked on water and once saved the Virgin Mary and a puppy from drowning," all by accident of death.

Well folks death changes nothing. Just like whatever Ray Lewis did 12 years ago is not washed away because those two guys aren't any less dead, so those kids that JoePa's lifelong friend raped aren't any less raped because this guy just happened to pull a timely kicking of the bucket.

So to the complainers about my post on ESPN.com I have this to say, "What if it was you?" Because you know what, lets forget the "What if it was your kid" bit because no one cares. We flip through hours of TV commercials watching children starve to death in Africa and Central America unfazed and unmoved. Hell, we had a whole movement of occupiers grab their iphones and ipads and blow by homeless people who needed help in order to bitch that their portfolio had lost value. So let's not pretend we actually care about the children and stop all the blathering as such.

We couldn't give one damn less about the children so save your handwringing.

So my question is what if it was you taking from Sandusky knowing JoePa knew about it? How would you feel about all the accolades being heaped on him now? Come on, tell the truth.

So to the offended remember,

some people are begging to be offended, dying to be offended, I am offended that they are offended, so of course I am going to offend them.

Joe Pa

I am up to here with eulogies for Joe Paterno. I never cease to be amazed by the fantastic power that death has to erradicate the criminal behavior of the dead. All weekend long Joe paterno has called classy, a man who shaped lives of men, a man who stood out among others as a paragon of vitrue fairplay and a will to to do things the right way.

Here's the truth.

At best...

Joe Paterno was a doddering old man who upon hearing that his lifelong friend was raping little boys in the shower chose to do nothing because he was so senile and befuddled that he didn't know what to do.

At worst...

Joe Paterno was a man who knowingly allowed his friend to rape little boys because he feared it would hurt his ability to recruit football players to help him win so he kept it quiet.

Either way, no matter what he was, he is none of the things he has been lauded to to be. And even though I know it is a wrong and terrible emotion, I am sorry he died before the stink of shame could fully settle and he could fade away into the nothing of obsolescence which is the least his crimes deserved.

And to the Penn State people holding candlelight vigils and somehow blaming the victims after the fact for his death...

it doesn't bear printing here.

Obama will win re-election

So at Christmas dinner I heard a young fella say, "Well at least Obama won't get re-elected," and I laughed and said, "Sorry to disappoint you but I think he will."

I do not think this is true because I am voting for him. I do not think this is true because the republicans are putting up a bunch of roadkill, stiffs, scary old guys, dudes wearing foil hats and guys almost smart enough to be a lamp.

I think this because a sitting president is already 78.8% re-elected. I mean we already voted the guy in once and barring a total collapse of... well everything, he is going to be reelected.

In the history fo the USA there have been 44 presidents and 15 were not re-elected. Of those W H Harrison, Taylor, Garfield, Harding and Kennedy died in their first term leaving nine. Out of those nine; one, Grover Cleveland, was president during what was probably the worst depression in the history fo the country and so was defeated by republican Benjamin Harrison who did so poorly in handling the crisis that he then was defeated by the same Grover Cleveland who became the only man to not be re-elected twice.

This does not include Andrew Johnson who, having inherited the office after Lincoln's death, was never elected but was impeached and did not seek re-election. Joining him in holding the office but not having been elected to it is Gerald Ford who pardoned Nixon... enough said.

So out of the remaining nine we have John Adams who was so paranoid he oversaw the passage of the alien and sedition acts while having Thomas Jefferson (who was a democrat and in the other party) constantly undermining him because Adams refused to enter the French Revolution. This led to Adams being so wildly unpopular and universally hated that he lost the election in a landslide and retired from political life.

John Quincy Adams' presidency was racked with scandal and he was defeated by Andrew Jackson and a populist swell whose policies caused the collapse that sank...

Martin Van Buren who was president three months when the collapse of 1837 happened because of unscrupulous credit practices which caused the economy to collapse. Incidentally the Great GREAT Depression of the late 19th century happened for the same reason as did (in large measure) the Great Depression in the 1930's

Gee 4 times in 175 years and we still haven't figured out this is a bad idea.... but I digress.

Taft lost to Wilson because Teddy Roosevelt started a third party.

Herbert Hoover... well Great Depression anyone?

Jimmy Carter was president at a time when the economy was so bad that inflation was up and the economy was shrinking. That actually shouldn't be able to happen as expanding economies drive inflation and shrinking economies, well... shrink it. And we boycotted the olympics. Iran hostage crisis. And Reagan ran... again.

Perfect storm.

Aside from that is George Herbert Walker Bush. This guy failed to win a war, the economy was crap, Dan Quayle was his VP, "No new taxes!", he only won because the Democrats put up Dukakis who couldn't have beat Hoover (and Hoover was dead), and still he lost his bid for re-election because Perot started a third party (basically) and carried 19% of the vote and many swing states including Ohio, Wisconsin, New Jersey, and Iowa Clinton won by fewer than 5% with Perot taking 18-20% of the vote.

In other words, without Perot... wait for it... Clinton may not have beaten George H W Bush. Clinton for pity's sake.

And why? Cuz Bush was the guy already there and people fear change.

44 presidents and five died, one is sitting, two chose not to run again, two lost because of splits in their own party and Cleveland did get re-elected... eventually. Meaning out of the 33 remaining 26 got re-elected good or bad. That's a .788 winning percentage and that means that guy already there almost always wins.

Don't believe me?

We re-elected W.

Christmas Eve 1:30 AM 2011

I was listening to wife sleep and the dog snore and thinking all these things at a thousand miles an hour and figured if I could just bore myself to death then I could sleep too. So I got up to write it all down.

Enjoy.

In 2007 I was diagnosed with a Chiari 1 malformation. What that means is that the part of my skull where the base of my brain and my brain stem and spinal chord all come together is constricted because by cerebellum is too low in the back of my head. This creates pressure in the area resulting, most commonly, in migraine headaches. I had my first migraine when I was fourteen years old.

For those of you who have never had a migraine this is not the same thing as having a headache. A migraine is when your head declares war on your life. It makes the little things like light, sound, motion, etc intolerable at best and nauseating at worst. The best thing is that when vomiting occurs it makes the migraine worse thus making vomiting more likely... you get the point.

The reason why I found out I had this condition was because I had torn up my right shoulder and by the grace of God the MRI just happened to barely glimpse the malformation thus alerting my doctors to my condition. It was decided shoulder surgery was the more pressing need and so that was performed, most admirably, by a lovely doctor who looked like Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off whose name I cannot remember anymore.

I was scheduled to have the surgery for the Chiari 1 the following winter and was ten days out from my surgical consult on Feb 1 2008 when I was run over in the parking lot at work. Of course being laid up in bed put off the surgery and while I was in the hospital I got a migraine and the nurse gave me tylenol and phenegran for it which cleared it up quite nicely. My surgeon decided that if my headaches, which were still the worst of my symptoms, could be handled with medication then surgery was unnecessary. I figured if a guy who stands to make a not inconsiderable amount of money on me tells me to not do it, then that advice is worth taking.

So for two plus years this was how I dealt with it. I missed more work than I should because I would get bad migraines which would lay me up for a few days at a time. I took sick time some times because of them but I managed to scrape by and be a reasonably productive person. Our family sacrificed vacations etc because I invariably used up that time being ill but my wife, saint that she is, did not complain inordinately, at least not to me. So we pressed on.

Until this year. When even the pain pills stopped working. Understand I don't take codeine or vicodin because I am allergic to them so I have to take non-narcotic pain pills which are little more than really strong tylenol, but they did the trick when needed. This year however they stopped working. My doctor and I began to discuss surgery again and tried to make contact with the surgeon I had before only to be put off again and again before finally being told that he is only a spine specialist now and so would not be able to help me. We switched to another doctor and targeted trying to have the surgery at the turn of the year.

Then in October I slid off the edge with my health.

The first thing I noticed is that I was tired all of the time. No matter how much i slept or how early I went to bed, foreswearing coffee and five hour energy etc I was tired all of the time. Then my migraines got worse. Not only had they been bad all year, but I reached the point where my head hurt all the time no mater what I did. I had a low level headache or migraine at all times and consequently I had even more trouble sleeping because laying down on my hurting head made it hurt worse which made my exhaustion even more pronounced. Then I started forgetting stuff, and I mean really simple things like things at my job that I have known for years I would forget how to do and would sit for a half hour and try to remember how to do. Then I started falling. For no reason I would be walking along and suddenly I would just be on the ground. Now my hands shake, my vision is messed up and my equilibrium is so shot I feel like I'm drunk every time I walk across the room.

The result of this is that I have missed, besides the last three months of my life, a lot, A LOT of time at work and am currently on disability because my doctor doesn't think I am safe to drive a truck and my boss can't give me light duty. Of course my company is not in the habit of paying people to sit on disability while they wait for surgery so who knows if any of this time off will be approved. I sure don't know. My surgery is scheduled for the first week of January and I spend my time mostly hoping for no more setbacks.

And do you know what the worst part is? My sister.

My sister destroyed her back in a work accident when she was nineteen years old. She is now forty-three and is permanently disabled after struggling with this for twenty-three years. She just became disabled in the last year and is now in school so she can get off the government dole. I remember when I walked a little prouder and talked a lot louder how I used to think, "Oh yeah your back hurts... Bitch we got rent to pay!" And now the shoe is on the other foot.

The problem is that you can be sick with anything in this country as long as other people can see it, or have heard of it enough to know it is serious. No one dares call a person with MS or Cancer or HIV lazy because they just can't do the front yard today. But if you are sick with pain... People get headaches and they get backaches but they don't understand that it is possible for pain to take the world away. They don't understand that your body will steal your life and force you to surrender so much ground that you can't even make it to the front door anymore.

I didn't used to, but I do now. I watch my kids play in the yard and I worry terribly about my family's future as I wait for the surgery I hope fixes my illness; wondering what will happen if it doesn't, and I would like to tell you that this has given me new appreciation for Christmas and what it means.

But that's not true.

I am not any more thankful for the love God has shown me than I was before, I couldn't be. And I am not thankful for this trial, I couldn't be. I have no idea what the future holds I just know I'm too tired to hold onto it so I pray.

And I complain a little and write an "O poor me" bit, but I'm done now.

I am very sad and very scared and I feel very alone because there is nothing I can do and consoling words won't fix this. So if you have read this and are the praying sort then please do. And if you know someone who is sick with pain, try to believe them.

I am out of things to say.

God Bless

Merry Christmas

Funny Church Signs

I like it when well meaning people say silly things while trying to mean well.

Nothing says holiness and peace quite like this does.

Cuz man have you seen the cost of gas these days.

This one is funny because I found it on a Calvinist website.

I am sure the Almighty appreciates being compared to a soft drink. By the way does God go well with bourbon?

Ever hugged a cactus?

I think this one speaks for itself

When are the martians gonna beam you guys up? This is the THIRD one of these I have seen.

eeeeyeah...

I am not joining this Church

I can't decide what is more insulting...

A) God's love is best expressed with fridge magnets

B) God just might be too poor to buy a fridge.

Merry Christmas